sci-fi author, beatmaker

Category: Metaprogramming Page 1 of 28

How I Maintain Motivation (and dopamine levels)

I have the GG (val/val) variant in SNP rs4680, which corresponds with high COMT enzyme activity. COMT breaks down dopamine in the part of the brain related to higher cognitive and executive function. People with my COMT genetic variant tend to have a hard time sustaining attention and motivation in low-stakes situations. We tend to do a little better when the stakes are a bit higher and intense, like hand-to-hand combat or downhill racing.

I did well in school, but paying attention during lectures was always difficult. My mind would constantly wander. By my third year in college I’d come up with systems (mainly active note-taking/idea synthesis during class) that allowed me to excel. But the first fifteen years of school were a struggle in terms of paying attention and retaining information, even if it didn’t look that way from the outside.

After I graduated, I soon learned that most jobs were pure torture for me. Sustaining my attention for eight hours a day was too difficult and too boring. I decided early on that a 40+ hour workweek would ruin me. I needed to find an alternative. I settled on computer programming because I could do it part time, at my own pace, on my own schedule. I could then use the rest of my time to make beats, write fiction, play games, spend time with friend and family, or just let my mind wander.

Obviously my personality isn’t the result of a single genetic variant. But I’ve learned that maintaining a high level of motivation and attention for long periods of time requires a few “tricks”. Since ~40% of the global population has the same rs4680 COMT variant, maybe you find yourself in the same boat.

  • Goal-setting. Mostly self-explanatory. I go back and forth on exact goal-setting methods, but currently I’m liking three month horizons for my main goals, with monthly sub-goals. The key to using goals is to enjoy the process, and not hang your happiness hat on completing the goal or not. Set an ambitious but doable goal that can be achieved with concrete consistent actions. Allow yourself to be happy while pursuing the goal. If you achieve it, pat yourself on the back, give yourself a treat, then set another goal. If you don’t, analyze the game and iterate your strategy.
  • Supplements. Lithium orotate up to 5mg daily to balance neurotransmitter health and stave off depression and anxiety. Fish oil for brain cell membrane permeability. Tyrosine up to 500mg/day for a direct dopamine boost. Collagen and other sources of glycine to support deep sleep and brain recovery.
  • Clean(ish) living. Too much alcohol, sugar, and refined carbs blunts motivation. Exercise amps it up. You don’t have to be a monk.
  • Death-framing. What’s important if I hold the reality of my own mortality in mind? Will I regret not getting those extra billable hours? More likely I’ll regret never attempting a particular writing or music project, or not visiting a friend, or not doing something fun with my family.

That’s about it. Hope that helps you, rs4680 G/G or whatever kind of mutant you are!

Empowering Action vs. Depression

Recently I read Steve Pavlina’s post “What It’s Like Being Me”. Steve really enjoys being himself, it seems, and part of my reaction was a slow clap — good for you, you smug vegan, your life is so great. But on the other hand, I really like Steve and his writing has benefited me immensely over the years. He’s worked hard to develop systems to improve his life systems and states of consciousness, and I don’t actually begrudge him his positive mental state and enjoyment of life. Good for him (no sarcasm).

Steve’s take on depression did make me wonder if he understands the condition as a disease. He appears to regard depression as a poor life choice, writing that he is repulsed by depression, and that he simply chooses to not be depressed himself. I don’t want to take his words out of context, so here’s a direct quote from the post:

How I’m Using My Distance Vision (through time, in life)

Walking along the Embarcadero every day, I have long unobstructed views. I can look east across the bay, north toward the Ferry Building, south toward the ballpark. Sometimes I try to identify people and pick out details from 100 yards away or farther. Since I spend most of my time looking at screens from about two feet away, using my distance vision is a nice break. It feels like it does good things for my eyes and my brain.

It makes me think about using my distance vision through time. What future events can I see coming, not as fated events, but probabilistically, as likely outcomes? For the scenarios that are problematic, what can I do to mitigate those probable outcomes, or steer my fate in a more favorable direction?

Play Yourself as a PC

Sometimes I catch myself living my life as an NPC (non-player character). Doing the same thing, day in and day out. Making safe but boring choices. Focusing too much on distractions that don’t really matter, and not enough on areas that can provide real leverage. Not being the main character on a major quest, but instead farting around with insignificant side quests and fetch tasks.

I like my life much better when I play the game of life as a PC (player character). When I play role-playing games, I don’t take the life of my character too seriously. I try to make interesting choices. When my character faces a problem, I have them try to solve it quickly and creatively. While I usually don’t play recklessly (I want my character to survive), I don’t worry too much if I’m making the “right” decision for my character. A multitude of possible choices can result in fruitful outcomes. There is no single right choice for any given situation.

I first wrote about this topic back in 2010 (here and here). Since then, this approach to life has provided the perspective and mental freedom to take on ambitious projects and changes, including:

  • Working my ass off to become a published science fiction author
  • When my consulting work started drying up, retooling my tech skills to become super employable as a freelancer
  • Moving to San Francisco (a project that included remodeling our house to rent it out) for my daughter’s education and to change things up for our whole family
  • Learning how to produce music in new genres

In hindsight, these paths and choices seem easy, almost as if they were inevitable. But before committing to each of the choices above, I faced an enormous amount of doubt and insecurity. Was it worth it, in each case, to invest the time, energy, and money to pursue the new direction, with no guarantee of success?

Zooming out and considering the possible outcomes of each choice, not as myself, but as a neutral observer examining my life, provided clarity in each case.

We usually know what other people need to do to improve their lives. But making big, good choices for ourselves is much harder. The key is to make the choice as if we were someone else. The “PC” method is just one window into that headspace.

How do you know if you’re playing as a PC, instead of an NPC?

  • You control your own life. You don’t let anyone else make decisions for you.
  • You’re focused on one or more major quests that align with your values.
  • You make creative, fun decisions that result in interesting experiences, with the possibility of great rewards.
  • You greatly value your party members (family and closest friends). You share your bounty and joys with them, and would do anything to protect them.
  • You are willing to take reasonable risks for great rewards, and don’t worry too much about losses or setbacks. There’s always another dungeon to raid.
  • You 100% realize that your life is finite, that you could die at any moment. So you make the most of it, and don’t take anything too seriously.

These days I’m laying the groundwork for my next adventures. I’ve been fairly quiet lately because I don’t have any new books, stories, or music releases to promote. But that’s not the point, is it? For over ten years I’ve shared my creative journey, every step of the adventure, including my hopes and dreams, failures and false starts, victories and successes.

I should continue to do the same, even if I make a fool out of myself.

Who Am I Trying to Impress?

In my twenties and thirties I remember being very motivated by wanting to impress and/or outdo other people. I’ll show them, I thought to myself. I would achieve this or that, at which point those people would be forced to acknowledge they were wrong about me in one way or another.

Spite is decent motivation. The best revenge is a life well lived. For those that have wronged or disrespected you, nothing is sweeter than succeeding and rubbing it in their faces.

Except that this way of thinking is also ridiculous, immature, and ultimately hollow.

I started to realize this at some point, and made a list of the specific people I’d been working so hard to impress. Making the list was a kind of dredging of my subconscious, bringing that spite-ambition into the light of my conscious mind.

But once I completed the list, I laughed out loud at myself, at my own pettiness and the fragility of my ego. The power those people had over me was instantly diminished.

Russell was one of my first bosses. As a teenager, I worked for Russell as a cook and cashier at his food booths at various festivals and fairs. One time when we were driving to a site he asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I told him I wanted to be a science fiction author, but was also interested in making electronic music. In addition, I wanted to share my philosophical and spiritual ideas with as many people as possible. I must have sounded all over the place, painfully idealistic and hopeful. I don’t think he laughed at me exactly, more like a dismissive chuckle. But I held it against him for a long time. I did eventually become a science fiction author. I’ve published hundreds of electronic music tracks. And I write this blog about metaprogramming and other topics. Does Russell know or care? I highly doubt it.

M was a college girlfriend. We both wanted to be writers. At one point I think we even made a bet about who would be published first. We broke up and didn’t speak for years. But eventually we became friends again. She’s a professional writer, working with business clients, and has published both memoir and nonfiction. She’s been nothing but supportive of my writing, and vice versa. All the competition dissolved decades ago. But some of it had still been lurking in my subconscious, from our college days when we both had a lot to prove.

At UC Davis I worked at a pizza parlor with a kid named Josh. He made hip-hop mix tapes on his four track. I was just getting into music myself, making bad synth music with my MacPlus and Roland D-70. Josh and I were both DJs at KDVS, the local college station. Eventually my music improved and I signed a house track to a San Francisco music label. I was really proud of myself. But Josh’s music career completely blew up. Josh Davis, aka DJ Shadow, went on to become a superstar. I was happy for him, but also envious. I always wanted to impress him, since we had similar beginnings.

There are a few other people on the list. Some of them I wanted to impress for reasons that are too embarrassing to publicly confess. But making that list helped exorcise some of those toxic emotions. Ultimately I realized that the people I care most about are already sufficiently impressed by me. And the others, like Russell and DJ Shadow, don’t think about me at all. And I’m okay with that.

Who’s on your spite-motivation list, and why?

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