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Category: Parenting Page 1 of 3

Moving Beyond Punishment in Parenting

Recently I’ve been watching the YouTube channel Fenrir Canine Training. I love this trainer’s approach, which is almost entirely based on positive reinforcement and building trust and engagement with the dog. The trainer’s argument against punishing your dog is that the only thing it does is teach the dog to be scared of you.

That makes a lot of sense to me, and I regret that we didn’t fully take this approach when training our own dog (a rescue with a nervous temperament). We deferred to professional dog trainers and assumed they knew better, but some of the techniques they used and recommended we use (like a shock collar) didn’t feel right, and we quickly abandoned them.

The more I think about punishment, the more I believe it doesn’t have any place in any relationship in which you are trying to build trust and engagement. Punishing someone makes sense in the context of a combat sports grudge match (or chess match, for the matter). Punishment is appropriate to dole out to your enemies and adversaries, but not your dog or your kids.

Screen Time Battles–The Kid Solves It

Our daughter is a fighter, a fierce advocate for her own needs and preferences, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But of course this means that when Kia and I impose screen time limits, we get pushback. Sometimes the battles are epic.

A few weeks ago we got so tired of the constant debating and arguing that we took away all her screen time privileges for a full week. She was pretty grumpy about it, but Kia and I thought the week went great. Was this the solution? It didn’t seem fair to just eliminate screen time altogether, permanently.

So we had a family meeting and hashed out a set of guidelines that we all felt reasonably happy with. And the week after that went pretty well. But inevitably, the arguments started up again. How much had she already watched? Had she finished her homework first, as agreed?

Ultimately the nine-year-old came up with a good solution herself. She suggested we use the ScreenTime app (for Android and iOS), which a friend of hers uses. The app automatically tracks usage time and shuts down some or all apps after that time is done.

It took me about twenty minutes to sign up and configure. You can black out bed/sleep time, as well as school hours. I found the interface to be simple and intuitive, even though the options are as detailed (different rules for weekdays vs. weekends, for example).

I’m still in the trial period, but I’m happy to pay what they’re asking ($4/month or $40/year).

What I like best about this solution is that my daughter suggested it. She still complains a little when she gets shut off, but it doesn’t feel arbitrary or unfair. As a parent, I’ve realized she wasn’t spending as much time on her device as I thought she was (she’s pretty busy, with school, activities, playdates, and regular visits from family members).

So, two thumbs up for ScreenTime.

New 6-Week Experiment: Living With a Disability


On the evening of Dec. 9th I stepped off my skateboard the wrong way and broke my foot (three fractured metatarsals — see above). Thinking it was just a bad sprain, I took a Lyft home and rested on the couch, watching my foot swell up to alarming proportions. Come Monday: doctor’s office, x-ray, a compression splint, the threat of screws and surgery. But after many scans and tests, I managed to dodge a bullet. No surgery required, just six easy weeks in a cast.

So, it’s my turn to learn. What’s life like with reduced mobility?

The Awkward Question That Could Save Your Child’s Life

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Every time our seven-year-old daughter has a playdate with a new friend, Kia asks a simple question.

“Do you have any guns in the house?”

She gets nervous about asking, but so far nobody has been offended by the question. Her own father keeps a gun in the house. So do several of our friends. But it’s something we want to know about. If the answer is yes, the follow-up question is:

“What’s your gun safety plan?”

The general reaction to the question is “I should be asking the same question.” Accidental injury and death is a real threat to children in the United States. A few sobering bullet points:

The real numbers are even higher. Many accidental gun deaths are reported as homicides. The same article gets into details re: what ages children are most at risk. Three-year-olds, who are old enough to manipulate objects but don’t understand the dangers guns pose, are particularly vulnerable.

This is not a screed against personal gun ownership. It’s a just a reminder. Kids are curious. Kids will explore every nook and cranny of your house. Kids do things without considering or understanding the consequences. Kids and loaded, unsecured guns are a potentially lethal combination.

Don’t leave your damn guns lying around. If there is even a small chance of a child setting foot in your house, store them locked and unloaded.

And ask that awkward question.

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How To Organize and Prioritize Your Family Calendar

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Last week we narrowly averted a collective emotional meltdown encompassing three generations of our family. The issue was a schedule conflict in our daughter’s schedule, and how to resolve it. The schedule conflict occurred *despite* everyone involved thinking they had done everything right, following the correct procedures, and “checking” with everyone else. The main problem was that our shared scheduling system sucked.

A family meeting and a compromise calmed everyone down, and we avoided a full-on crisis. Still, it was time for a new system.

The Old (Bad) System

Parent One enters things in the shared family Google calendar, which we both subscribe to via Calendar on our Macs and the built-in Android calendar app on our phones. Parent Two coordinates childcare with various grandparents.

Parent One “confirms” new family dinner date by waving text message in face of Parent Two, who is drinking wine and playing cards. Parent Two says “Fine — looks good.”

Schedule conflict surfaces on day of both scheduled events. Parent Two informs Grandparent One of schedule conflict. Grandparent One is not pleased, having previously scheduled playdate with friend of Child (and double-checked with Parent Two regarding time of playdate). Child is in tears because Child was looking forward to said playdate (and has little control of own schedule and parents keep changing it).

In the end we worked it out, but we realized we need a new system.

The New System

Child has own dedicated Google calendar, which parents edit and grandparents can ALL view.

Considerations

While the system change is relatively simple and straightforward, a lot of thought went into it.

  • For parents fortunate enough to get childcare help from grandparents (we’re very lucky in this regard), it’s important for parents to respect the scheduling considerations of their own parents. It’s reasonable to provide grandparents (and other regular childcare participants) with the “big picture” on your child’s schedule.
  • A physical “main calendar” in the kitchen is great for the nuclear family, but it doesn’t do much for the extended family. Shared digital calendars with different view permissions are a necessary complexity for a complex extended family.
  • A single “joint” calendar is fine for a couple scheduling dates, but it isn’t sufficient for the entire family when children start having their own engagements.

Calendaring and Kid’s Feelings

A big “a-ha” moment for me was during our family meeting, our daughter was expressing exactly why she was so upset about the change of plans. It wasn’t only that she was looking forward to the playdate herself, but she actually felt a sense of obligation to her new friend, who she had promised she would “buddy-up” with to reduce her friend’s anxiety about her first session of a martial arts class. In short, my daughter didn’t want to flake! I really felt for her at this moment — I remember being seven and having very little control of my own schedule. It seemed that adults would sometimes change things on a whim, with no regard for my feelings.

Sometimes work or other adult realities trump the feelings of children, but it’s important for parents to remember that children have complex emotions that impact them even more than the emotions of adults — they haven’t yet fully developed the self-regulating capabilities of the frontal cortex.

How to Resolve Conflicts?

There are different ways to resolve scheduling conflicts.

  • First on the “main” calendar wins.
  • Paterfamilias or materfamilias — the dominant head-of-household or schedule boss “puts their foot down” and gets their way.
  • Values-based approach.

Of these, I’m a fan of the third. By “values based” I mean the values of your family in particular. What does it mean to be a member of your family?

If there is a schedule conflict, which event supports the highest held value in your family? Friendship? Earning money? Keeping up appearances? Winning at sports? Once the underlying values behind a choice are revealed, a “difficult” choice may become much easier to make.

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