Emotionally Blocked

Lately I’ve been feeling shut-down and uncreative. It’s a feeling similar to depression, but my mood and energy have been reasonably good, despite my recent sleep troubles. I think I’m a little numb because it’s easier to be numb than to feel all the feelings. Losing my father-in-law and my uncle in the same week was rough, and of course my wife and daughter are grieving too. We’re all trying to hold it together and keep doing the things in life that need doing, but also process difficult emotions at the same time.

Last night I had a minor emotional breakthrough. Despite not feeling inspired, I was working on some chords. I found a progression that I liked, and looped it with a simple beat, and something cracked inside and I felt a wave of grief. I cried a little bit, had a good talk with Kia, and had a relatively good night’s sleep. And this morning I woke up with a bunch of ideas in my head, and a need to express myself. Creativity returning.

I know I don’t want to go through life numb. I don’t want to be an emotional wreck either, but at this point I think the healthy thing to do is to be more emotional, to feel more feelings, and to unblock trapped emotions. That feels right.

So … how?

First of all, I’m going to “force” creative work–both writing and music. To some extent I do this already–I write fiction even when I’m not feeling inspired. Sometimes I generate drivel that I throw out, but I’m a firm believer in showing up and doing the work. The words (or notes/chords) do come when I sit down and write. On good days they’re bubbling in my head before I even get to the keyboard, but even when I’m feeling blocked, the act of writing helps get my thoughts and emotions moving.

An analogy might be dowsing for water or oil. The emotions/ideas are down there, somewhere, in the vast reservoir of the subconscious mind. But sometimes you need to tap a lot of dry ground before you find a well or a spout.

When I’m in a good creative groove, I invariably feel more alive, more motivated, and more connected to my fellow human beings. So I’m going to prioritize creative work more than ever, to help me through this rough patch.

Another thing I tried last night was some myofascial release with a foam roller. I carry a lot of tension in my butt and thighs, and it felt good to get the blood flowing into some of those congested areas. Do trapped emotions = trapped muscle tension? Maybe. It can’t hurt to stretch more and loosen chronically tense areas. Years ago I found significant relief from low back pain using the late John Sarno’s method of emotional release. Sarno’s method is sometimes characterized as “the pain is in your head,” but that’s not really accurate. A better description would be that by experiencing and expressing your emotions, you can improve the blood flow to congested areas of your body, thereby reducing tension and pain.

I think the converse works as well–you can release emotions by physically manipulating the body. Many people have experienced emotional release during a massage, craniosacral therapy, or even chiropractic adjustments. So loosening up will be the second pillar of my unblocking strategy.

Lastly, I’m going to experiment with more of a plant-based diet. While I don’t intend to go entirely vegan, meat/poultry/fish have been less appealing to me lately. I’ve been experimenting with slow-carb vegan dinners (vegetables, beans, healthy fats) as a way to improve sleep (low-protein meals facilitate tryptophan uptake in the brain, thus leading to more serotonin and melatonin production), and it seems to be helping. While I can’t provide any evidence that a vegetarian or more-vegetarian diet is associated with more emotional openness, intuitively it makes sense to me. The less meat I eat, the less I have to deaden the part of my mind/heart that feels empathy for the mammals I’m consuming. And it’s possible that by consuming more complex carbohydrates and less protein, I’ll raise my brain serotonin levels and feel better (and raise melatonin, which is produced from serotonin, and sleep better).

(As an aside, I haven’t had much luck with taking 5HTP or l-tryptophan. Both supplements trigger asthma symptoms, probably due to increased blood serotonin).

So … that’s my plan for the moment. If necessary I’ll add therapy to the mix, but that’s expensive and time consuming. Hopefully I can open up, feel more creative, and continue to improve my sleep with the three methods above.

As always, I’ll report back with results.

And I hope, dear reader, that your own life is full of interesting things, and not too much suffering.